Confessions of a tired being
at least in the end, one person has sorta got me. But even then i'm not sure. We rp the brutal stuff i want. And they seem interested sometimes. but reminding myself they're busy and not upset is hard.
wheni've been too high coming home i've been spiraling. I hear allthenames i go by. And then i hraear caorls name. But i'm not her. thats not my name.
Istill imagined it though. The fight. The worst ending. he calls me by her name to insult me. but i put my hands on his neck like her. I scream and beat at him for it like her. And when he's bloody andunre sponsive beneath my bloody fingers I sob like her.
But i'm neither. i'm barely strong enough to hurt myself let alone others.
Being promised physical harm by strangers online shouldn't make me excited as it does. Okay, show up then. Pull up and make my day.
Is it bitterness? Masochism? I'm so tired of feeling liek people should be treating me like trash, that being actually being treated like shit feels good.
what i wouldnt give to be in the outlast trials.
i keep fantasizing about it. about being in the trials about my hands on the throat of another. what it would feel like to cut their skin wide open. dig my hands into guts, feel warm and loved. mush my hands through meat and tender delicate organs.
i want to be held down and gripped tight, head shoved to boots. collar tugged.
if i could do it once, would it be enough? would i feel sarisfied finally to hurt someone the way i hurt? see the bleed out under my hands.
its not about deserving anything ag his point. i am not owed for the pain. but if otherw cant understand, i want to make them see. they should know. if i were to do these things would i prove to them im real?