Its been 3 months now since we stopped talking, and I know that the fabrication of you all ive made in my head will be with me. But the yearning is immense. I fall asleep wishing to wake to a reality where thigns could have worked out. That I was stronger then the disease. Watching how it decays my life right now though makes me glad you cant be around me. Even if I wish you could just so you could choke me. So I could see the passion no matter the feeling behind it. Would you kill me? If I asked and begged? Would you understand that im an animal reaching my limit? Youve said before life is just the perception you make it to be. But the idea of manifesting the disease itself from myself is worse then it jsut already being here removing the people who dont belong. Thinkign that its made from my own creation implies that I have been infact degrading my own life away even when its been out of my own hands. The universe has no plans for me other then to usher me faster to my death. Ive been trying not to daydream of life beyond 30. everytime i do its sad, its filled with blood. He calls me by the other name and I lose it entirrely.

Some people look in the mirror and see how digusting theyve become when they've given up, and it pushes them to do better. When I look in the mirror I say 'why bother anymore'. And then I continue to rot. Its hard to explain to him that i'm not motivated to do anything- beyond just taking care of myself. Its made things horrible, ive fed into this behavior and now we live like trash hoarders.

Well then what do you do about it you ask? If youre self aware of the problem

I dont know. I clean some of it and then i feel like theres still so much left behind. I feel like Summer in the forbidden game. The mess just becomes worse and worse and shes too petrified to clean it and find whats there.

After my last friend, the closest one id had in so long. Many friends in one. I need to learn hwo to not be so talkitve or something. actually the real answer is to delete my discord or something. yes- thanks for that. no thought. We play rp on discord, tabletop stuff. its agood retirement. But its also just another thing we have to take care of, and have a plan pre set for before its over. Make sure details are sorted for the others. But god, god do we want somethign to fill the gap that they left. That small piece they left with me does not fill the space in my life that they filled. Even if in mydreams i see them, their backs turned. Faces in profile half smiling at me sadly. Even in my dreams they know.

Imagining what it would have been like to have them on the day I did it, talking me calmly during it all- but i dont know. I dont think or know if they would. we had beeen so alike in so many respects. do ou remember when id told you i would send you brain? For Murphy? I'd meant it. I'd have worn that collar with the spikes. I think about that cabin. Skin my knee on the rocks as i run from you in the fog. All the things we'd talked about are now just daydreams i wallow in wishing i could tell you about them.

Today i return to societies rotation and start my new job. Gotta save up so he can have a nest egg for when i'm gone. It'll hopefully ease thigns that way. as excited i am to be working ith coffee and donuts, I'm not looking forward to working in food again.

Basic assholes, basic bitches. Giving me wierd looks for asking which machine we use so I can click the right video. Given the wrong answer, gaslit about it when they see me doing one they didnt want. I looked you in the eye and asked, so wtf happened between then and now? If my government name and my managers are too close, its fair of me to offer a different name so I don't get confused right? Then why when I offrered was I given a look like i'd offered her to eat garbage? Fuck this. Theres a grocery store opening up nearby, i'm gonna apply there. America doesn't run on dunkin. But if i go to the other place they might just do the same thing. The closer I get to 30 the more apparent it is that the Disease is pushing for me to be gone. Incentivising me to go through with my plan by making these people hate me more.