'Blog' mostly vent ramblings

Jan-June 2023
june 23-dec23
Jan-dec24

2025

1:11 make a wish

Fragile is the ego i tell myself i dont have. Denial thick in my throat when i tell myself things arent true. My body responds to my refusal. Insisting in the opposite. I crave to be around another person so much I suffocate and collapse inwards when i'm alone. A leech.

Its nearly new years, and I keep dreaming of dying

Last night i'd had a clear dream. And I wasnt sure if i wanted to vocalize it. But I've decided I do. I've had a few dreams this month where I've died though its less of being murdered and more of knowing i'm fading out of existence by the end. Drowning was one. Last night I dreamt a man was attacking a group of people outside a shitty motel. It looked a little like my hometown. That light grey blue just before sunset when its cloudy over. He was in a sweaty white shirt and a green flannel. I moved infront of these people when he stabs forward. I feel it press in just below my ribs, I gasp for air feeling suddenly very cold. When I look to his face, his mouth is in this twisted grimace of a smile. As if he cant quite believe it either. Then he pulls back, i watch the blade go with and I double over as he brings it into my stomach again. Then again. In short hard stabs 6 times. My eyes fluttering open as my dream self falls to their knees. And then I'm awake, and I feel cold.

I'm back from my trip to the river walk early, it was fine all n all. didn't feel like a vacation, didnt get to see much of what i wanted to. Didn't drink enough to get sick.

Theres a feeling in me saying these are going to change again soon. I'm bracing myself to be alone again. Its getting easier to pretend it doesnt hurt when I see her online. Its like a deep numbing behind my ribs. Pressing down on the feeling. I know it will never go away.

Is it too much to ask, Jack?

I know my husband loves me, but sometimes i'm just so not into the horny love. Especially when its consistently over several days. Its not repulsion, i'm just like 'yeah okay man, I get it.' He messages me from work and i'm all excited because fuck yes someone talking to me- And then its just how bad he wants me rn. :| Alright. Cool. Hows your day? Is that all your thinking about? So I ask him to real it in, and- I feel like shit for it. Its clear he's upset. But I also just want to not feel sexualized everytime i talk to him. Can't we just talk normally?

And then when I'm dreaming, its just been Jack. I chase him around my dream scape, i know he wants to tell me something. I see his grey hair over the the crowds, a little smirk when I can't catch up. He stopped me from progressing somewhere, and i've been following after since. He leads me down into a warehouse, but hust when i get there I'm suddenly at the top again. And I'm chasing him back down.

I'm scared that when I catch him and he finally talks to me, he's not going to call me by the name I wish he would.

Need to get a job soon so i can buy a gun. Only a couple more years till i'm 30. Once I have the gun I think i'll feel a lot better about things. The only nightmare will be if he finds it and asks me about it.

If i see therapy before, I'm wondering if theyre just going to put me straight to a ward or rehab. Worried the Texas Phsychologists are going to really fuck me over. Its hard to explain that I fantasize of hurting others and myself, but I dont want to act on it. That i'm afraid of it.

If I do I'm scared i'll never stop. And I'll love it.

Nothing feels as miserable as typing out a vent only to delete it because you can't send it. They tell me they wanna hear from me when i'm dealing with this, but I'm not there when they need me so- I dunno.. All I have anymore is this website. I can't put my thoughts anywhere else to feel secure. I dont mind people reading these things if i dont have to talk about it. But I do want to talk about it. I'm just.. only talking to myself. Theres no one else to talk to. I dont want to tell my 'friends' about everything because theyre all going through their own shit. Theyshouldn't have to deal with mine and theirs. They already live in their own hells. I shouldn't make it hotter.

My dads flying to visit me tomorrow, i'm dreading. Somedays I hate him for never coming back for me. And others i'm ripped with guilt for how much money I owe him, and how much it hurts that he tries to provide for me NOW instead of when I had needed him as a kid.

Last night i'd wondered about how fast it would be if i'd just slit my wrists and jumped off the third floor balcony. its not quite far enough to kill me from just the jump. I'd need something to ensure i'd die when no one comes looking. But theres a kid living on the first floor, and I dont wanna die outside his window.

I want to die somewhere where I wont ruin anyones memory of the place. I want to be alone, prefferably no one will find my body. I dont want people looking for whats left of me. I'll delete all my accounts the night before, get my note together. I'll leave only my website. I'll find a nice quiet place to listen to music one last time, daydream of that sweet nothingness i've wanted my whole life. And then i'll fire. And finally i'll be fucking free.

My only reget is I wont have gotten to kill that woman with my own hands. I wish I could wring her saggy neck. She ruined my life for me, and I wish I could make her pay for it.

Disease

I really am a plague bearer. The length of time i spend with people seems to ruin more and more for them. But the moment i'm out of their lives its normal, even great. My friend is decaying. A digital virus. I'm worried about them. But theres nothing i can do. Eevrything I could do will only make things worse. So now I have to sit. Wait and hope that in the morning i'll still have my friend. I'm worried that theyre going to realize its me. That just talkign to me is destroying things.

Warm curry

Things are going as much as i've expected them to go, every small incremint of joy is destroyed by something else.

Why does eating japanese curry make me want to cry?

I don't know what to do with myself anymore, i try to get a job and i'm not qualified. My husband does his best to help us scrape by, and I can't do anything to help. I used to be the one who would work double jobs and take the abuse from my shitty foodjobs.

Now no one wants to hire me, and i can't pay for the things we need. That i need. I'm never getting the psychologist i need, or the medication i want. I'm going to smoke myself to death. It would be great if i could spontaneously combust.

I'm just so tired of it all. Everyday I get more and more bored. Recognize myself less and less in the mirror. Fantasize about the things I'm not aloud to do. Cry because I shouldn't want those things.

What happens when the an isolated diseased meets me? How much am I ruining their life just by talkign to them? It feels so selfish to talk with them sometimes, their isolation is selfimposed. Mine is not. I feel like my support in their low poitns only pushes them lower. The disease alwyas reacts differently.

Ive been playing a lot of Stalker (soc) and its been a lot of fun, dreaming of it to. like a landscape i've seen before and missed so dearly.

Coasting the edges

I've been existing, rotting in my chair just as always. Dove full into S.T.A.L.K.E.R. stuff, games, video essays, lets plays. Its been a great hyperfixation. Helps to ignore the fact that the people I was talking with have stopped reaching out. I shouldn't have expected any less. Startign to sound like a robot when I reply to my friend, I dont want to be like that. But i dont know what to say sometimes and i just have to default..