Jan-June 2023


Its been almost a year since the reality check in July, when the universe decided to remind me where my place in the world is. And now i'm deeling with a different dillema. Another loss. I'm almost certain now, years in the making this one is. I've dug my grave here, and I want to point fingers. Thinking they're missing something I view as common sense. But in reality i've dug the pit i'm in so deep they can't hear me yell anymore.

Even in normal conversation everyone struggles to hear me

like i'm in a dream

i hate that she was right

i dont know whats real anymore

sympathy turns to pity

empathy turns snide

is it selfish to want to keep the ones I love close? I know they'll leave. They always have, they've all exited out of my life when they decide its right. And try to make an appearance later in my life realizing their mistakes. But its too late for that. The person i am now is who i'm stuck as. And on first meet you might think we're not all that different.

that i'm just awkward and a little weird.

but then it starts to creep in

slow and steady

h a t e

The cuase is a mystery to me, no one is so nice that they wouldnt tell me whats wrong with me. But the reason for it always the same.

'I just dont like you'

'theres just something I hate.'

I dont believe in divine intervention

but it feels like i've been put here to make everyone else feel better about themselves

and now i've been reminded theres no one i can trust

how do i explain that everyone inheriently despises me? Like its genetic??

What do I even do about it?

death seems like the only option sometimes

but is that even going to be real? If I die and jsut wake back up where I started?

whats the point.


Growing pains

Me and him had a long talk last night, and he said things I needed to hear. She's been messaging me like she's making effort. But I can't know if any of it is real. I can't tell in my chest anymore if i can trust any of them anymore. I cry when he kisses me. Overwhelmed with so many different feelings.

In the end we all end up alone

I have one friend who I do trust sorta, but its not like i tell her literally anything. But I can at least hangout with her and not hatemyself for it.

Then theres her.. what does she actually want from me anymore? It doesn't seem like I fit into her life anymore. I dont want to force anything.

How long will this whole charade go on? When will they all just admit it?

Who's going to snap first? Me or the world? One day they're going to all decide its not worth it anymore, and then finally i'll have the truth. So I dont have to debate my conspiracies with the echo of my own voice in this empty skull I have. Theres so much buzzing in my head all the time, but its all just meaningless dribble. So doesn't that mean its really nothing?

i'm a hypocrite.


Inching by

Here I am, back to put my ramblings. Everyday I disapear more and more. I found a server that seems great for me. But I still struggle to believe these people accept me, even though we like the same things.

I want to be smothered with affection, so I can feel like i'm not slipping away.

The old thoughts came back. Wanting to leave. To just message someone and ask them to come for me. Nothing is enough to make me feel wanted anymore. I need more then i'm being given, and asking for more feels selfish. Asking for help just leads to them realize how fucked up I am right now. I could see it in his eyes.

he's giving up on me

they're all giving up