Sleep and Dreams

Wishing for emptiness in a mind far too busy.

Really need to figure out how to make boxes and other things so this will be neat and not just a whole ass document. Going to do my best to make this look cohesive with what I have now.

Starting at a young age I really needed an escape, and in the era of the early 2000s you could find a number of interesting things on the internet. I'd been told about lucid dreaming by that horrible woman at one point, and after enough became enough I looked up how to do it. I don't exactly remember what made it work that last time. But I remember suddenly being a lot more aware in my dreams. Not so much in control as what a lot of people think Lucid dreaming is. I had no physical/mental power over the dreamspace at first. I was just aware i was there. It was like waking up in a strange elsewhere. It was after one dream where I dreamt I had wings, only for them to burn up on my back that I decided I had to have a new way to fly. It is horrible to feel your own wings burn into nothing but bone.

As time went on I learned to interact more with the dreamspace. What I call Elysium.

I fall asleep expecting to wake up at a scenario/location. If I don't like whats going on I push with my mind, and I say no. Forcing the dream to either roll back before whatever upset me, or shift me to somewhere else entirely. Can feel it in my head the energy i need to use to exert it. Sometimes I even speak in dream to help move it along. But generally I can take whatever my dreams are tossing at me. Attempting to sort out whatever situation its put me in while I continue my real task. Running away, and looking for something.

Most common scenarios include: Wakeing up...

- in a house that I need to escape

- in the middle of a revolution that i'm apart of and having to get out

- In a town and knowing I need to drive out of there, this is not my destination

- In the big national park, something is in here for me to find but it never lets me go deep.

- Chasing after Jack, Will, Prae, theyre always just out of reach

as of recent I've been seeing my ex a lot in my dreams. Had a night terror the ohter night where I couldn't breathe and was collapssing. Crying and begging for him to help me. But instead he climbed onto my chest as I tried to take in air. Heard him clearly whisper "I dunno, I kind a like this. Youre so pathetic when you cry." Before he took out his cock. And I had to do everything to wake myself up before he shoved it down my throat.

And since closing things off with my friends theyve been in my dreams, theyve just been distant. Turned away from me even as I chase and reach after them. Calling and sobbing. At one point i'd seen just the host, with their arm around this pretty thing. We met eyes and they gave me this one sided grin when I asked what was going on. "What do you think?" Was all they asked before my knees gave out and I started to sob.